How to make the right choice in life?

Part . One

A caller asked me this question:

Teacher Fengxu, I am very tangled. I don't know how to choose the direction of life.

I want to think about it from a very realistic point of view, carefully consider my ability and capital, carefully calculate, strive for a progressive life, find a person with the right conditions, be a house slave, and work hard for the next generation.

Or only with their loved ones, in a pressure-free small city, living an insipid, no pursuit of life?

How to choose the height, width and breadth of life?

Even if they try their best to upgrade the class, future generations may not be able to rise up like themselves. And what's the use of raising it? It's easy to be destroyed.

The efforts of life can not be just for the next generation, right? What is the purpose of living?

The more you see, the more you find that many things are not absolute.

You don't have to have a baby. Dink is fine. You don't have to get married, and it doesn't matter to be single all your life. Work doesn't have to be done, even for full-time housewives. Or you can have no savings and just be a backpacker.

What on earth should be the criterion of life?

Part.Two

Young people usually have two typical childish thoughts:

There are many "taken for granted" and "preconceived" views on the world.

The understanding of the world is very "narrow" and "absolute". When looking at a problem, it is always black or white. But can not see the diversity and complexity of the problem.

Not long after most people step into society, they may gradually have the same feeling as this person: many things are not absolute.

The feeling itself is actually a sign of growth.

When we live in our own home and school, both of them are in fact a relatively safer, simpler interpersonal structure and clearer group rules, and the members of the environment have a high degree of acceptance and enforcement of the rules.

Therefore, in this environment, the values, beliefs, understanding of the world and so on we accept are relatively single.

Coupled with the conscious guidance of parents and our education itself, we are usually instilled with some very simple, simple and kind value tendencies.

And those complex, ugly and pluralistic parts of society are often criticized or concealed.

So here we can see the following fact:

The world itself is complex and diverse, but young people's understanding of this society is rigid, single and one-sided.

Therefore, after stepping into society, many young people usually feel that their values have been shattered when they see something they have never come into contact with.

But in essence, your values are shattered, you are disappointed in the world, you think the world is not good enough, this is not the slightest fault of the world.

What's wrong is that your values are too narrow from the beginning, and what's wrong is that you didn't see the whole world in the first place.

That's all.

Part.Three

So we can see:

What on earth should be the criterion of life? There is a natural subtext behind this sentence, that is,

There should be a rule in life.

How to make the right choice in life? There is also a preconceived subtext behind this sentence, that is,

There is a "right" life choice.

But as you grow up, as you think deeply, as you understand life more and more deeply, you will find that you can't find a clear answer to this question.

Then, when your hopes are dashed, you have a kind of disappointment.

Just like your father told you how delicious the ice cream is to take you to eat, but when you go there, you find that the ice cream is full of all kinds of flavors and ingredients. So you are very disappointed and your high expectations are bound to fall into a lower disappointment.

However, disappointed with an ice cream, you can choose to leave it.

But if you're disappointed in your own life, you can't choose to leave it.

You can't stay away, and you can't buy a better one.

Of course, the disappointment and confusion in your life is not your fault, it is caused by the factors that make you expect too much from society and life.

But this is not to say that we are encouraging you to resent society and your parents for drawing a big cake for you.

The important thing is that we are now under such a fact.

Our expectations have been dashed, our fantasies have been shattered, but then your own life, how do you choose to continue?

I have emphasized in many previous articles that people can only be responsible for themselves.

You can choose to constantly resent the past, or you can choose to be depressed in disappointment.

But at this time, you must realize and admit that the unhappiness in your life now, your sense of meaninglessness, and your emptiness are not caused by your past, nor are they owed to you by society or others.

As a person who has the ability to survive independently (except for congenital disability, we can basically assume that any adult has this ability. You are very sensitive, very introverted, too timid to gain a foothold in society, this is not to say that you do not have the ability to survive independently, but you just give up or choose not to use your own), you need to realize that everything in your life right now, good and ugly, is your own responsibility.

Your parents forced you to go to a university you don't like, boys like skinny girls, so it's hard for you to lose weight, and the company is cheating and unfair, which are all objective reasons that make you unhappy.

However, before all these questions, there is a "your own choice". You choose to be forced by your parents, you choose to cater to the aesthetics of boys, and you choose to enter this lame company.

You will say that if you don't accept your parents' advice, you will quarrel with them and make them sad.

If you don't get thinner and more beautiful, you won't be appreciated by boys.

You may face the risk of losing your job if you leave the company.

Yes, first of all, it shows that a person who wants to "be himself" in society must pay a certain price.

It is because you are unwilling to pay these prices that you choose this kind of life that makes you unhappy.

So the point is, this kind of unhappiness is your own choice.

It is you who choose the lesser of the two evils, and choose the lighter price in your own opinion.

Speaking of which, I know there must be a lot of people who will think: yes, but are you still beating around the bush all the time? Wind ruins you are just constantly describing these facts, what exactly are you trying to express? What's your conclusion?

This is the crux of the problem.

There are no rules in life, there is no right or wrong choice, and many problems are inconclusive at all.

Part.Four

"the greatest fear of mankind is the unknown. "

This is an eternal truth.

This panic is even worse when we are full of unknowns about our lives and things that are so important to our future.

So we instinctively desire to be able to predict the future and to hold our lives firmly in our own hands.

So we have developed a lot of theories, a lot of worldviews, trying to explain, influence, and predict our own destiny.

Therefore, many "opinion leaders", "life mentors" and "wise elders" can gain a lot of fans.

Because people know the truth from these claims, which tell you what is right, these tell you clear rules of life, and these masters who show you the future direction, you can get an illusory sense of security.

Reading more and exercising more are good for you.

But from what point of view is this good judged?

From the point of view of your health and career development, it is indeed good.

But from the point of view of self-satisfaction and enjoying relaxation, reading and fitness are actually a waste of time.

What? Reading and working out is a waste of time. Are you out of your mind in the wind ruins? How could there be such an absurd understanding?

The existence of the Internet has greatly shortened the distance between people.

But for marketing, to gain fame, to gain attention, and to capture your recognition, merchants, writers, and self-media people are almost all instilling positive energy into you, constantly giving you chicken blood and asking you to work hard.

Yes, only if you work hard can you earn more money to spend for these businesses.

Only when you struggle, will you be self-moved and grateful to these self-media.

The biggest problem with the existence of these opinion leaders is that they greatly distort your understanding of the real world, so that you can not even see that there are many ways to live without effort or struggle.

I know you certainly have the right to choose to work hard, but if you are instilled with distorted values that make you think that you deserve to die if you don't work hard, you shouldn't be a human being if you don't work hard, you can only be outstanding if you study more, and if you go to the gym to succeed, then obviously, you've been fooled.

So I need to remind you, remind you to look at the real reality.

Remind you that you can wake up from the dream compiled for you by the Internet, that you are not living in websites and official accounts, that there are not so many sinister people, and that there are not so many years of quiet peace.

You just need to try not to use your cell phone or surf the Internet for two or three days, and I think you may be able to realize how far away you are from the real world.

Part.Five

Now I'm telling you, the reason I've been beating around the bush.

The reason why many questions are inconclusive, I will still raise them over and over again.

& rsquo; you already know the crux of many problems, but your counselor will still expose them over and over again.

In fact, the fundamental purpose is to make you "accept" these facts.

"accept" or "not accept" that's the only difference between you and me.

Accepting it means that you will no longer try to struggle with the problem.

You accept that your boyfriend is out of your control, so your heart can calm down, you will try your best to be yourself, instead of fully dedicated to please, trying to make him love you forever.

You accept that there is no right or wrong in life, and you will stop worrying about it. Instead of focusing on right or wrong, you will make your own choices and take your own responsibilities.

You accept that you are not so good now, so you are no longer anxious, you are no longer pushing yourself, you are content with the present.

Acceptance means peace.

You won't be anxious because the walls are white, you won't be disappointed because the bed is 1.8 meters long, and you won't be depressed because there is a big company opposite the subway station.

It is this calm of acceptance.

Everything is as it is, what is there to worry about and worry about?

Part.Six

There is a famous saying that has been popular since we were in primary school: failure is the mother of success.

This sentence is so popular that all of us think it is chicken soup and ignore this great truth.

Since I consulted, I have found that perhaps due to the deep cultural structure of our country, many people are very "afraid of failure" and seriously "lack the ability to learn from failure".

Because our whole environment is too success-oriented, and there is an excessive mockery and disdain for losers, this leads to two group phenomena:

1. Many people do things carefully to avoid the factors that may lead to his failure.

two。 Most people generally have a poor ability to bear failure, and it is easy to give up if they fail once or twice.

There is such a basic principle in economics: income is proportional to risk.

This means that if we blindly avoid the risk of failure, we also avoid the opportunity of success.

There is another well-known secret of success: persistence.

So give up if you fail once or twice, which in itself makes you very likely to stay away from success.

Let's talk about how people grow up.

Human growth is inseparable from two points: "active learning" and "review and reflection".

What you often gain from active learning is the experience that stays at the level of rational understanding, and retrospective reflection is the experience that makes you gain profound, internalized and thoroughly absorbed experience.

So the saying that failure is the mother of success is not chicken soup at all. The point is that we need to have the "habit" and "ability" to review and reflect on failure.

And once we can learn from what we experience through reflection, then we need not have the slightest fear at all, because failure itself is a way to grow.

This part is used to talk about failure and success, mainly for the "positive values".

We tend to have excessive desire for success and excessive fear of failure, which is the reason why we always want to make the right choice.

Because mistakes often mean failure, punishment, contempt and so on.

So learning to look at success and failure with a normal mind can also help you stop worrying about whether it's wrong or right.

Part.Seven

In conclusion, we have three suggestions for you.

1. Give up your "taken for granted" and "preconceived" views. Look at the world with a more open and diversified mindset.

How much a person takes for granted means how much paranoia the person has.

You don't have to bind others in this way, nor do you bind yourself with these beliefs and opinions.

two。 See more possibilities and options.

Life is not about either striving to be a house slave or living a mundane life with no ideal in a small city.

And in many cases, what your future will be, it doesn't depend on your own plans, but on the combination of your abilities and opportunities.

You can work hard for the first half of your life and enjoy the rest of your life.

You can work hard, do not buy a house, do not have children, just as chic

You can also work hard in a small city with the person you like.

All in all, you have a lot of choices, so don't take it for granted that you can't jump out.

3. Don't make decisions for your future self.

Before graduating from college, many people begin to think about what kind of people they want to marry, which city to buy a house, which way of life to choose, insipid or passionate.

In fact, these ideas are somewhat unreasonable.

Because you can only represent who you are now, you don't know what you will encounter in the future, and you don't know what changes will happen in two or three years.

Thinking too much about your marriage before you are old enough is just to add to your trouble. maybe you will meet someone who will make you very attractive next year and you will get married soon. maybe you won't meet the right one for eight or nine years.

So the future is full of variables and uncertainties, and you don't need and can't make decisions for you in the future.

All you can do is seize the moment and live the way you want it to be.

Now you want to be comfortable, then be comfortable, and when you have to work hard, you will naturally try.

Now that you want to be with someone you like, stay with him, and it's not too late to break up when you find something inappropriate about you.

If you want to work hard now, try your best and rest later when you feel tired and tired

People's vision and ability to predict are often limited, we are unable to control and predict the future.

Anxiety occurs when you try to influence and control something that is not under your control in the first place.

So it's better to accept the uncertainty of the future, admit that you don't have any foresight or control over the future, and focus on the present.

Finally, it ends with a poem by Su Shi, which I like very much.

Steady wind wave

He always envies the human world, and the heaven should beg with the crisp Niang.

Since the Qing song passed Hao teeth, the wind, the snow Feiyan sea becomes cool.

There are fewer and fewer years after thousands of miles of return, smiling, smiling with the fragrance of Lingmei.

I would like to ask that Lingnan should be bad, but it is said that this peace of mind is my hometown.